i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
