I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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