I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I need water and some morals
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
