Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
