i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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