I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I need to align my fucking chakras
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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