im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
