I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
