I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
