i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
