It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
