he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
