I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
