I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
