i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
