How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
