my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
