am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
