My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
