i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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