I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
