Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im part way to drunk.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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