I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The power of my boobs compel you
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
