I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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