I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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