well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
