I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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