Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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