i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
