I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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