I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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