I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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