Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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