Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
