Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
