so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
