Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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