official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
