I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
