Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We're too hungover to prance.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
