She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
