ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
