Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
