The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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