I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
