It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're too hungover to prance.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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