I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
