i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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