Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
