god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I touched a dick in church today
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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