Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
