Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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