we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
